I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Gay?
German.
Pity.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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