I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize