Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
