If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
