despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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