I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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