Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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