So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
