Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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