i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
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