I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
