she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
