We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
