she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
