Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
