There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
