I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
