I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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