TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
