i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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