If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
