glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
