It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
