sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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