I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
