Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize