the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
