I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
