Need sex. Gaining weight.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm like, not good at living.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
