my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
