watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize