I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
