I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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