Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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