if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
