look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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