Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize