I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
