i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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