My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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