The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
