I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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