I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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