Sober January is a disaster.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
