I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
