Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
