i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
