I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
