I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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