i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
