the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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