I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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