sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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