just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
