But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
