well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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