normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
