Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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